Ask VMW: The Plight of a Military Girlfriend

I recently received the question below:

I am not a military wife but rather a military girlfriend. My boyfriend has just been accepted into the army officer program and leaves for training in less than a week. We are not engaged, but do live together and I plan on going with him to where he is assigned on base in Germany. I guess I am wondering how possible this move will be without us being married. Marriage is not out of the question for us but we don't want to rush it or do it for the wrong reasons. Do military girlfriends have rights and benefits just as spouses do? Is marriage necessary in moving to another country? Do you have any advice for me or any ideas of other resources that I could look at in making these adjustments?

My lengthy answer to her was:

I would definitely relook at your plans! Girlfriends and fiancees have zero rights as far as the Army is concerned...you are a non-person I am afraid. Your boyfriend can put you on his life insurance and possibly as a point of contact should something happen to him, but that is about it. Without an ID card, you won't be able to do anything on post or base...even more so overseas. In fact, your boyfriend would be non-command sponsored at his German duty station. That means he will not be paid extra for having a spouse and you won't be allowed to use any of the facilities on post, to include the PX and the commissary and everything else. Only ID card holders can shop and use the services on post. You won't be able to go on post except when escorted by him.

Now, people over here do have relatives and friends visit from the States, and the limit I think right now in being able to stay in Germany is three months on a US passport, according to German law. So you could come visit him, but just wouldn't be able to stay indefinitely unless you get some kind of work visa from the German government, and I think in order to get that, a company has to hire you first from overseas. There are plenty of contractors and government positions over here...you just have to have some kind of skills to get hired from overseas. Many companies actually hire the family members of soldiers to help keep hiring costs down for new employees. That would be one avenue I would check out if I really, really wanted to move over but would allow you some privileges and benefits without totally relying on your boyfriend.

The one bright light, because your boyfriend is an officer, he would be allowed to live off post. He will not be authorized family housing on post, being single, and luckily, he won't have to live in the barracks. Most commanders will let all E-6s or E-7s and above find a place off post, thru the housing office, which they will get a certain amount of rent money for in addition to their base pay (this is rank dependent).

Sorry this advice wasn't rosier, but I think it's better to know what to expect than to run around with rose colored glasses on. I certainly commend you for supporting your boyfriend and wanting to be with him. In our last Family Readiness Group in the States, we did have some girlfriends get very involved and help with our events and programs and were a part of our little group. But for the most part, it was hard to overcome "just being a girlfriend", and as of this date, the military does not consider a girlfriend a part of the family.

Let me recommend two message boards for you to visit. There are a lot of girlfriends and fiancees who visit here who may be able to offer their own insight from experience.

Married to the Army

Army Wives (and Girlfriends and Fiancees too)

Are you an Army girlfriend? Would you like to share your experiences here? Please do share...both good and bad...