Ask VMW: What's it like on a US Army post?

I've gotten this question a few times and thought I'd better answer it now.  It's nice to see that some blog readers are not affiliated with the military and are interested to know more about what goes on here.

"Hi, I watch Army Wives every week and I always wonder what life is like behind the big fence.  Could you tell me what can be found on an Army base?"

Ahhh...the sounds of the bugle playing reveille in the morning, retreat being played at 5 pm as the American flag is lowered, taps at "bedtime" and the etiquette that goes with it....that sure brings back memories for me (We are on a NATO base right now, so none of that!).  That's the first thing that came to mind!  Thanks so much for your question!  Life behind the gate can certainly be different than civilian life...but then again, you'll see a lot of similarities.  I think everyone who has ever lived, worked or visited there knows this.  I'd like to clear up that Army posts are called "posts".  You'll only find bases in the Navy and Air Force...and of course the few Marine bases.  There is some historical reason for this......just know that it's different.

Army posts are scattered all throughout the US...I believe every one of our 50 states has at least one Army post.  Just ask your Congressman or Senator...they are always fighting to keep bases and posts from being closed....every few years, our government goes through a Base Closure & Re-alignment dance, and all the states usually sweat it out before it's all said and done...overseas too!  Bases beef up the economy and bring jobs and money into the areas they lie.  No one wants to have their bases or posts closed.

A base or post is like a small city.  The mayor is actually the base commander...an officer in the rank of Colonel usually to even a General for some of the super-size bases, changing every few years.  He or she is charged with running the infrastructure of the base and keeping in touch with the local civilian community and government...providing a link between the two and making sure he is being supportive in the decisions he makes.

Almost all posts, or in the case of overseas, a collection of small posts in an area, will have basic services to keep things running smoothly.  The military provides legal and administrative services on post through some of its military units.  For example, a large post will actually have an Army Finance Battalion (a few hundred soldiers) providing financial and pay services for their military members.  A smaller post may only have a company-sized unit there.  As far as non-military units, you'll also find a commissary, run by DECA, which has commissaries world-wide providing the food and supermarket products we are familiar with.  I always joke about some of the "special aisles" we have in the commissary.  If we have an aisle with ethnic foods, like German or Asian...it is because servicemembers married a lot of spouses from those areas....it's not racist, just true.

The PX or "the Exchange" as it's now called is run by AAFES.  You will find them on all the bases too.  They used to provide products at great prices, back when we didn't have the big box stores and Walmart...but these days, especially overseas, I see them carrying expensive Coach purses (yes, they are discounted some) and higher end stuff, when I want the comfort things from home and just highly consumable simple products like printer paper!  They can never seem to keep that stuff in stock or deliver it to a PX location near me.  Some PXs will also have a gas station attached to their shopette...a kind of 24-hour convenience store.  An interesting fact, is that their gas prices stateside must be in line with what is being offered outside the gate.  Overseas, they use a formula to give us discounted prices less than what the Europeans are paying...much less.

In the US, where segregation was an issue in our country's history, you'll still find schools onpost...mostly elementary schools.  All overseas posts or collections of posts in a geographical area will have schools from Kindergarten to 12th grade in order to provide an American education.  These are run by DODEA (used to be called DODDs).  BTW, DODEA teachers overseas get some great pay...easily 4x what most stateside teachers get paid.  If you are a teacher and looking for work, be sure to check it out but please don't just do it for your "European vacation"....we have a few teachers who do it for that reason rather than the kids and education unfortunately.

You'll see gyms and fitness centers....many state-of-the-art....even some indoor/outdoor pools.  They are all mostly free.  I've only ever had to pay for aerobics classics and signing up for organized sports.  Sports teams, competitions and sports programs for children of every sport you can think of have some registration fees involved but are many times affordable.

Youth Centers on post are very popular with tons of programs for kids along with after school and summer programs at reasonable rates...these are not free, although spouses of deployed soldiers can get some costs reduced.  The childcare center on post also allows for this too.  It is called the Child Development Center.  Here is an example of one of the larger ones.  We do have many dual military couples with children who get priority for their children at the CDC but others use it as well.  Many times unfortunately, there is a waiting list and some take their children for off-post care or they use one of the home daycare providers that are licensed by the government who live onpost and sometimes off-post (FCC providers).  Some spouses make extra money by running this out of their home.  Yes, it involves lots of inspections and some say it's not worth the trouble, but just as many enjoy doing it and like that they can always find work wherever they are stationed.  There is ALWAYS a childcare shortage on post I have found.  It is one of the top issues complained about by Army families every year.

Many posts will have a movie theater run by AAFES...not first-run but in today's age, they do show movies a few weeks after they hit the civilian megaplexes at a lower cost.  Of course bowling alleys along with their short order kitchens are plentiful on military posts....and don't forget the foodcourt, also managed by AAFES.  I always found it strange that I can find a Burger King, Anthony's Pizza or even Frank's Franks pretty much worldwide at any AAFES foodcourt.  Remember, eating at the foodcourt and buying at AAFES is tax-free.  The commissary is tax-free as well, but they do put a small surcharge on your total which goes back in to maintain their system.

Ask any retiree about golf courses, and you'll see some of those.  Not on every post...but many do have them.  In the old days, you had the Officer's Club and the Enlisted Club....they used to socialize separately.  I still remember going with my parents to once-a-week Happy Hour at the O'Club, loading up on the free appetizers and snacks every Thursday and then playing on the playground while they hit the slots (yes, they had slot machines...some still do) or socialized with their friends.  Nowadays it's called a Community Club and all military and civilians and their guests are welcome.  They typically have a bar there...a snackbar and fine dining and a variety of special events throughout the year.  I don't know if they still do stateside, but sometimes there was a cash cage where you could cash checks.  BTW, the PX will cash personal checks for you too. 

Overseas, you'll also find a Car Care Center.  It's usually small, but you'll find some of your favorite stateside car care products and also some parts.  They have mechanics that can work on your vehicle...sometimes the wait can be long for an appointment, but I am thankful they do offer that, especially if you come over with an American car that is difficult to service on the economy.  Yes, they have American dealers & service centers over here but many times they are not familiar with our American models....so I've had to have some parts shipped from stateside for my Honda the few times I took it to a German Honda dealer.  Where would we be without the internet and APO shipping overseas?  And if you are mechanically inclined yourself, you'll find an auto craft shop where you can work on cars with maintenance bays and tools provided...very handy!  I even had one of the shop personnel, many years ago, show me how to change the oil in my car...they do things like that.

Of course don't forget our religious service centers...used to just be called chapels.  We have military chaplains of every denomination on post and if they don't for some reason, the chaplains there will provide you with the resources and equipment you need to follow your faith.  At my basic training post, we did not have any chaplains of the Muslim faith, but they made arrangements for our soldiers to visit with their civilian counterparts and also provided a room, Korans and prayer rugs...whatever they needed.  You'll find multiple services on post as well of all the major faiths.  They also have a variety of programs for single soldiers, families, religious education and fun kids' programs...whatever you can think of!

Now what did I leave out?  Oh, laundromats...most posts have them....sometimes car washes too...plenty of parks and running/walking trails, playgrounds too.  I've even been on posts that have stables and lakes with picnic/camping facilities, boat rentals and fishing possibilities.  Of course you'll see onpost lodging, used mostly by people moving in our out of the post...but also soldiers and civilians on temporary duty there and some vacationers.  Many of these lodging facilities have been nicely renovated or are new and are much lower in cost than their civilian counterparts...imagine staying close to Disney World in Florida, or Key West, Hawaii or in the foothills of the Alps in a military lodging facility....yes, you'll find those.  And, I almost forgot the on-post housing areas scattered around the post.  Most of the administration of these are contracted out and many can be small and cramped...but other than your phone and cable bill, you don't have to worry about utility bills (although this has been changing), maintenance costs...but do have to worry about keeping your grass cut and keeping your area neat.  Just ask the highest ranking officer of your neighborhood, who has been appointed as a "mayor" of your housing area.

One of my favorite places to go though when moving to a new location is Army Community Service (here is an example of an ACS).  The other services also have equivalent offices by different names (yet another thing you will learn...they all name things differently a lot of the time and with more and more posts/bases having all four services stationed there....being called "Purple Communities", know that you can go to ACS or whatever regardless of what your husband's service is - Army, AF, Marines or Navy..even Coast Guard).  ACS has new daddy and mommy programs...can get you in to see the WIC nurse, has mommy/child playmornings, a variety of free classes, programs and events...even job and resume training.  They also have a lending closet where you can get pots  pans and the things you need right after arrival....lots of newcomer resources and counselors through their Military Family Life Consultants who are free and don't keep any records...but help you get pointed in the right direction.....plus lots of friendly faces.

Sometimes, you get the feeling you are part of a special club, especially when you hand over that ID card as you enter the facility and leave the civilian world behind.  Going "on post" is like "coming home" at least for me.  I know what to expect once I go through that gate and know exactly where to go for what I need!

Lastly, you'll find the buildings housing the military units who are actually stationed on that post.  They'll have their own infrastructure to an extent...also single soldier barracks and facilities for them, such as community rooms and kitchens.  You could find rows of motorpools if the unit has lots of vehicles.  Military police units are on each post, providing their services....yes, they have the right to search your vehicle on post, and you can get a speeding ticket from them...they do the same things civilian policemen do, just on post.  If you have pets, there is usually a vet clinc...yes, the military vets are also tasked with food inspection and taking care of any military working dogs and other animals on post (don't laugh, some units have mascots)...but they can also provide lowcost care on a space available basis (here's an example).

I'm sure I've forgotten something....like the banks that have a contract to be on post and the Red Cross, which you will find on every post or even the community thrift shops (like Goodwill)...even the housing office which manages the onpost housing or helps you find off-post housing, but those are the highlights.  I realize there are a lot of them......I have unfortunately droned on about this topic, haven't I, but if I did forget something, please post it below:-)

Ask VMW: Freaking out about our overseas move!

Here is a question for the day:

"We are PCSing to Germany with the Army and I am freaking out! I am reading your blog everyday in between my kids naps. I have a few questions for you. We are told we won't have housing available so we are to find a home on the "Economy" any tips of what to look for? I have heard people say that things like toilets/cupboards are not always included? Basically what do I need to know so I don't get screwed over by a German landlord?"

Thanks for your question!  Many German homes in the American housing office system for each area, have already been "Americanized"...what I mean by that, is that many will come with kitchens (most Germans renting will put in their own), and you'll have toilets, baths etc....you may have to spring to install some light fixtures and will get Army wallockers if there are no closets (see my blogpost on the subject)...as for lights, many rooms may just have outlets and not even a connection for a light to hang...newer houses will have attachments...you'll find old and new construction.  Many new homes have electric heat...easy to manage, set and take care of but very expensive...you have to weigh the benefits/negatives of just about anything.  You'll get tips from your housing office too, and they'll make sure the contract is in order to protect you as well.  Don't go looking for an agent unless you get authorization in hand that the US govt will pay for that service...it's typically two months rent so nothing to sniff your nose at!  And the person renting pays this, not the landlord, so I caution you with "hiring" one of them if/when you get frustrated w/the housing office.

Ask VMW: I didn't account for this long overseas hotel stay before we get housing, help!

Sometimes there is a reason why soldiers get deferments on having their families join them overseas initially.  This just means that the servicemember goes overseas first and then his family joins him once he gets housing.  I received a question the other day regarding the long hotel stay in Germany and the isolation being felt as a newcomer.

"We have been over here for a month in the hotel and were told that it could be another 1-2 months before housing has an opening. Also that since my DH is enlisted we cannot live off post. About a year ago it changed is what we were told. So since there isn't any on-post housing available and we aren't "allowed" to live off post, we are stuck in the hotel. Do you know anything about the housing situation?  Is this normal?  I feel isolated and do you have any advice on where I can go with my baby to connect with other wives?  No one has welcomed me either from our Family Readiness Group.  Please help."


You are absolutely correct.  We were still in Germany when this policy came into effect of not allowing E-5s (Sergeants) and below to live off-post.  This is why orders are automatically deferred to assignments in Germany for the most part...now you see why this can be such a problem...being in a hotel months on end with family is not a fun deal.  Unfortunately, since you are already there, you may have to stay in the hotel for a bit longer.  But with that being said, here is what I would do in the same situation cause I would try my darndest to make lemonade out of those lemons I was dealt.

Contact the housing office and get a better idea of where you are on the waitlist.  A two month wait is not unusual.  We were in the hotel for five weeks, and we even had designated command quarters.  I have friends who waited two to three months, so this is absolutely in the normal range.  During the summer months, the wait could be even longer, especially now as they shift the officers off-post.  The reason being given is that they can afford the higher cost of off-post living (this article explains the new policy).  Officers are not being asked to move, it's just that enlisted personnel who are incoming will take that housing instead of another officer.  Obviously, there is much debate among servicemembers in Germany on whether this is right or wrong...there may be no one correct answer.

I would not have my DH go to his 1SG or commander unless the stress is starting to affect his working ability.  Most leaders don't know what their soldiers are doing in their home life and how things are going...but they should.  At one point, someone in the command should've sat down with the soldier, just to find out how inprocessing is going and how the adjustment is going...if not, he should ask to talk to his command...just don't whine.

Many posts have temporary housing when there is a long wait for regular housing...ask about that if you don't mind moving to it...it looks just like the regular stairwell housing, may not be renovated yet, but everything is in there furniture-wise with loaner furniture.  You can get loaner dishes/cutlery, baby stuff like highchairs, etc from the lending closet at your on-post Army Community Service (ACS) or equivalent for free.

Speaking of ACS, you should go there and just see what programs they have.  They should have a lead into baby/mommy mornings...most ACSs have this...most also have a trip where they take you on the economy...show you how to use local transportation and a familiarization class off-post, even basic language classes...you and your DH can sign up together.  They may have other free programs as well....even job search assistance and resume classes.

See if there is a MOPS chapter...it is religious based but non-denominational.  Check with your on post chapel to see if there is one there. This was a lifesaver for me, as it's a place for mommies and their little ones to get together....moms do fun things and crafts and eat while someone does fun stuff with the little ones...it gives moms a much needed break, and you will find more and more of these chapters overseas on military posts.

As for the Family Readiness Group, see if there is a monthly FRG meeting at your husband's unit.  There should be one.  It is mandated by Army regulations.  Both you and your husband should attend at least one (coerce him if you have too...it's important for the both of you....many guys just don't like to go).  Many FRGs have welcome gifts and introduce new people.  Some FRGs are stronger than others.  It's a shame really, as it is a commander's program and the commander dictates how active/important this organization is.  We looked out for each other at every duty station I've been to and helped the new folks adjust.  Find out who the other wives are in your husband's squad and team....one of them should be reaching out to you...and if not, get DH to get your contact info to the ladies or vice versa and just call one of them and ask to meet them at the foodcourt...say you are new.  Sometimes, you just have to take the initiative to get the floodgates open.  I know it's not easy, especially when you are new, but some wives have honestly forgotten how difficult it may have been for them when they arrived.  I know when things are rough, my brain sometimes tends to forget too.  Go into it, knowing you have done all you could to try to connect with others, and I know something will come out of your efforts!

Please continue to get support from your friends back home, your family and also the many wonderful Facebook pages and message boards online.  I have met a few of my readers in my travels, as well as here in Belgium, and I count many of them as my friends.  It's all about helping each other out and extending out that Army family.  My favorite saying that I wish the Army would adopt somehow is "Keep the family, then keep the soldier".  It is SO important these days that the Army realizes that if they don't care or provide for the needs of a soldier's family, he will eventually get out of the military, and the military will lose a valuable asset they might have kept had they done this in the first place.  Sorry to get on my high horse....my little vent in the big picture of things!  I'd like to welcome you to our Army family and feel free to stop back by and let us know how it is going if you like!

Ask VMW: Is it easy to get a job overseas?

Here's a question I recently received:

I have been reading the blogs about Germany and I appreciate all of the insight! I am a newly married military wife, and we just found out our next assignment will be to Germany.  We are ecstatic to say the least but besides the bagillion questions, I have one really important one.....jobs for spouses, are there any? I am beginning to feel that knot in my stomach known as "anxiety" so any insight you might have would be greatly appreciated.


 Jobs....not as easy as in the US, but if you are persistent, you'll find something...eventually...the easiest to get are AAFES retail and commissary baggers/cashiers and such....office jobs are a bit harder.  Your first stop should be Army Community Service (ACS) at your new post, as they have the leads for all kinds of jobs in your area, to include contractor jobs and those obscure jobs that aren't really listed anywhere that you would find them.  Since you will fall under the SOFA agreement, which was made between the US and Germany after the war, there will only be certain jobs on post you are eligible for and no jobs off post if you are a US citizen (unless you get hired by a company from stateside).  I did have a friend who worked under the table in a German restaurant, working back in the kitchen.  She loved it, because she learned how to cook German dishes, except for the special sauces they made...they made those before the hired help came in!  Another friend who had a horse taught lessons to American kids at a local stable.  ACS will also help you with your resume and get you in the system to look for jobs...many people think there are just government jobs, but you'd be surprised what you'll see offered.  I know the government is trying to get rid of some of these contractor jobs, as many get paid beaucoup bucks when they could pay a government worker much less.  Good for the country, not so good for the worker....but, I still see a lot of them out there, and if you have a security clearance, you will move to the head of the line.  As a sidenote, I got a job once by volunteering.  I always volunteer anyway, but had I not volunteered, I would not even have been offered this job.  The amazing thing is that the agency went through the process of doing other interviews, but since they were so happy with my work and I was known entity, I got the job in the end....right or wrong, it pays off to volunteer and network I think.  Good luck in your search!

Ask VMW: Which electronics to I take overseas (and ALL your electricity questions answered)

Many times, we realize we should have more information before making an informed decision.  Here is one wife who wants a definitive answer:

"I've attended our PCS briefing, and I am still confused.  They told us not to bring alarm clocks overseas.  I think I understand the difference between 220 and 110 but then I talked to this other lady, and she told me she was not going to bring her standmixer and then couldn't explain to me exactly why?  Can you?"

I am absolutely no technical expert, but I will try to explain the best I can.  I think most overseas assignments in Germany have both 110 volt and 220 volt electricity ON POST.  Off post it is still 220 volt as before (and will stay that way as Europeans will tell you it is the superior system).  In government housing you'll see your familiar 110 wall outlets (usually one or two sets per room) and then a few more of the 220 version.

The first thing you have to do is look at your appliance....either on the bottom or if it's an electronic item (and not an appliance) it'll be written on the converter halfway down your powercord...at least I think it's called a converter.  If it gives a range up to 240 volt, then you can use it in Europe.  All you need is an adapter plug to plug it into the round outlet holes.  Pay attention to that outlet...the newer ones will have two holes and a prong to handle the grounding.  Older adapter plugs (which are made out of plastic) will only have two holes and no room for that prong in the outlet.  Sometimes, when you buy them second hand (like the thrift shop on base), they will have the older ones, and then they won't fit in the wall outlet.  You can always make a hole with whatever tool, like my husband did....but you're better off buying the newer ones.  I just feel safer that way!

If your appliance or electric item says up to 120 volt, then you cannot plug it directly into the wall, even with an adapter plug!  You will permanently fry it and ruin it.  You'll hear a loud pop, spark and then some smoke and your thing will be history.  If you have a desktop computer, many of the older ones will have a 110/220 switch on the back.  Make sure it is switched to 220 first!  Rest assured, if you do fry your computer, your hard drive in most instances will still be safe.  I took my hard drive out of a fried computer and used it in this.

  I could've also bought a new computer powersource with a plug for it, but the computer was so old, I just wanted to start over.

Now what about the standmixer?  It has something to do with the cycles...something about the megahertz....even though a transformer will step down the voltage for you to plug in your appliance or electronic item, it still cycles at a different rate.  This could cause your appliance motor to run hotter or less efficient, damaging it in the long run.  You may not notice any problems at first but only later.  This is also why a 110 volt alarm clock will not keep time, even on a transformer.

As a sidenote, I once asked an electrician who was working on something in our government quarters, how they do the 110 outlets, and he said something about actual transformers....obviously larger and more powerful, in our housing...inside the walls or wherever...so technically, anything plugged in there is running on a transformer too....just a much bigger one than you are used to.

If you need to buy transformers, which you probably will if you are off post, be sure to check local wanted ads on post as well as your thrift shop.  People are always moving, and there are always transformers as well as 220 volt appliances to be had.

Yes, the PX has them as well, but you will pay a premium for them there.  They also have all the plugs and such.  Local stores such as Media Markt (like a Best Buy....in Germany and Belgium too) has TONS of different appliances and electronics too and everything to go with it.  Many times items are on sale there.  I like to get my European surge protectors there (I would get them for your computers, TVs and expensive electronics)...yes, the PX has usually one model (European style)...but I like choices.  Also remember that European surge protectors protect at a much higher level than the American ones, so don't just interchange plugs and use your American surge protectors.  They are not strong enough.

I also mentioned in one of my other blogposts, that if you have a USB cord for your item, you can charge it through your computer or laptop.  We do that for all our MP3 players, Kindles, handheld gaming systems and such....a few are not 220 volt adaptable, and it's cheaper (although takes longer) than charging them through transformers.  Transformers take a lot of juice, so when you are not actively using one, actively UNPLUG it completely or else it will still drain electricity.  Electricity is much more expensive in Europe, so I try to cut it down where I can!  I believe the charge through a USB connection is something like 5 volts, so it is safe for just about anything you can find a plug for!

I am sure I have left something out.  If you think of anything else regarding electronics, please add below.

Ask VMW: Need information on bringing my motorcycle overseas

Someone recently asked quite a few questions about bringing their motorcycles overseas.  Since I know very little about motorcycles over here, I thought I would ask an expert....a soldier who not only rides street and dirt bikes but who is also a motorcycle instructor on post.  Read on to find out more about it.

I've cut and pasted the answers below.  Remember that these are Belgium specific, but I do remember that Germany has similar rules for our military folks overseas.

1.  First and foremost am I authorized to register two motorcycles as well as the family van and a hoopty?
A.  You are authorized to register both motorcycles as well as your van and hoopty as long as you have proof of insurance for all vehicles you are registering to license for street use.  Your van or hoopty which...ever gets the worst gas mileage will be tax free then you will pay taxes annually on the other vehicles that you register for street use.

2.  The motorcycles (both) will be shipped as part of my household goods, shouldn't be a problem with the weight since we learned our lesson from our first tour and will sell a lot of stuff for the move.
A.  You are correct; motorcycles are considered part of your household goods.  The movers should build crates for your motorcycles to be shipped in.

3.  I will have to show my motorcycle license and riders course completion at vehicle registration, but I am not sure if additional motorcycle only testing will be required.
A.  If you have a motorcycle endorsement on your valid driver’s license from the US, then a motorcycle endorsement will be on your Belgium license once you have passed the written Belgium Drivers license test.

4.  I will have to register both bikes and pay registration fees.
A.  There is no registration fee for bikes or cars, only the annual tax on licensed street driven vehicles.  You only have to register bikes that are going to be licensed for street use.  If you have a bike or bikes that will be used for competition, racing, or off road use ONLY, they don't need to be registered.

5.  I will have to pay roadtax on a 1 liter and a 1.3 liter bike, not sure how much that will be.
A.  Road use tax only needs to be paid on motorcycles that are registered and licensed.  The taxes are not extreme, around 100 Euros for a 1.4 liter bike.

6.  I am not sure if I will have to get the bikes inspected, this might be an issue for my track bike as it is very modified.
A.  Your van and hoopty will need to be inspected but there are no motorcycle inspections.

7.  Since one of my bikes is semi used for track purposes can I claim it as an off road vehicle and not register it at all?
A.  Only motorcycles that are going to be used for street use need to be registered and licensed.  If the motorcycle is ONLY going to be used for off road track use it does not need to be registered.

8.  I understand space in Belgium households is a premium.  Do most homes in Belgium have garages and will they fit two motorcycles?
A.  There are plenty of homes with garages.  Finding a garage for your van and hoopty may be a problem.  Finding a garage for two bikes will not be a problem.

9.  Does your husband or any friends ride?
A.  Yes.  There are many motorcycle riders in SHAPE.  There are street riders, motocross riders, and competition road racers.  I do not know of any drag racing tracks, but there is a small track (I've seen quads on it) along the canal between Obourg and Nimy.

Ask VMW: Can I use my Kindle Overseas?

Last week I received a very simple question...and I sent back a very simple answer...wish life could be just as simple.

"I will be moving to Germany, and I am very worried about being able to use my Kindle.  It is my lifeline and I do all my reading on there!  Can I download books overseas?  Is there the same selection?  They don't have Kindles over there do they?"

And to answer....no worries at all.  We have Kindles, and after a few hiccups and realizing that having it on wireless and automatically downloading books, was not free using their Whisper download delivery thing...even though it says zero charge on each eBook's download page, I tried to backpedal a bit with customer service.  Amazon was VERY nice and gave me all those fees back for the 20 books we downloaded....as a onetime courtesy of course (how's that for customer service?).  They must've chalked it up to me being a dumb*ss customer who didn't know any better....at least that's how I portrayed myself to be.

Speaking of the Amazon site, you'll be happy to know that with your APO overseas military address, you can order almost anything from the same "dot.com" site you order from in the US.  I say almost, because Amazon has this weird feature where many electronics and household appliances cannot be shipped overseas to APO.  They mention something about this warranty thing as the reason behind this....I guess meaning, that if they ship me a coffeemaker, and there is a warranty issue, the company wouldn't honor it cause the thing went overseas?  I don't know...sounds like lots of legalese to me.

When you find something on Amazon that you want to download to your Kindle, whether it's a free item or not, there are a few extra steps you have to complete to get it to your Kindle.  Hey, I check that free list almost daily and sign up for a Kindle blog that lists free books too BTW.  Most of my books for my cheap self are free (even some bestsellers that stay free for like...a few minutes...you just have to catch them).

Step 1:  Before you click on "Buy Now", look at the drop-down menu underneath.  You are going to choose "Transfer to Computer" under the "Deliver to:" heading.

Step 2:  Click "Buy Now"

Step 3:  The next page will say "please choose which Kindle you plan to transfer your purchase to via USB:"

Step 4:  Pick the intended Kindle from the drop-down list (if your family has more than one Kindle, don't worry, you can later download the eBook to the other Kindles the next time you connect them via USB).

Step 5:  Click "Continue", and it'll go to the next page.  The Kindle book file ending in .azw format will download to your designated downloaded folder.  If at anytime you don't know where your computer downloads go, you can just do a search from the Start Menu.  Just use the name of the title to find it.

Step 6:  Connect your Kindle via USB.  Being overseas, this is also how I charge my Kindle.  I don't even use a wallsocket.  In fact, I don't even know what the voltage is and don't care...we always have plenty of laptops, DVD players or whatever with USB connections to fire up any USB-connected device.  BTW, you can connect any kind of voltage item (220, 110 or whatever) to a USB connection in your electronics device, regardless of where you are in the world.  It'll obviously charge slower than directly from the wall at it's designed voltage (I think something like 9 volts comes out of the USB outlet), but I think it's safer that way.  It avoids you having to figure out what can get plugged into where!

Step 7:  Once you connect your Kindle, your computer should recognize it and open the folders on the Kindle or ask you to do that.  Open it up, and you'll see a bunch of directories.  Copy and paste your new Kindle book (with .azw format) into the "Documents" folder.  BTW, if you are using the military's free online library site (I'll blog about that later), you can put those DRM-protected loaner eBooks into your Audible file folder in your Kindle, if they are in .pdf format.  You can read those books on your Kindle too.

And that's about it.  As usual, my answer is long-winded....as usual...I'm going to end this answer abruptly.  Oh, before I do, if you want to put that book on another Kindle, you can cut and paste that file into the same directory in the other Kindle OR you can go to your mainpage for Kindle on the Amazon site and see the list of ALL the books you have downloaded...find the one you want and go thru the steps again to download it...easy squeezy.

Oh, one more thing....since they aren't selling Kindles yet over here, or at least not that I have noticed, it's always fun to show a European what you have...especially if you are beachside in the bright sun, and they notice you can still read all the type (they all think it's some kind of computer)...of course, this was before the IPad came out....guessing I wouldn't quite get that reaction now!

Ask VMW: We are moving & our child is EFMP

I get this question or a variant of it about every few months.  I know it weighs heavily, especially on moms.  I don't know if I can help but here goes.

The question:

"My husband got orders for Germany.  They are for 36 months which I understand includes dependents. We are very happy because we wanted to go to Germany. On the other hand, once I started reading about the command sponsorship I became very concerned with the idea of us not being able to go. Our oldest son is enrolled in the Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP). My first concern was if they have the special need resources at the school over there.  My question is, do you have a self-contained room for special ed? Do you know what happens if you don't have the services my son requires? Do they just cancel the orders, change them or they just send my husband alone for those 36 months?"

My response:

Please take a deep breath....and step back a bit.  I applaud you for taking the time to research your new duty station! I wish more wives would take the time to do this.

Now....the EFMP screening which you and your family will do, will determine if there are services for your son available at your husband's projected new duty station.  Right now, your husband only has assignment instructions....orders for his actual duty station will be cut (made) locally, once he and his family meets all the requirements, the most important being EFMP screening.

I can obviously not tell you what the doctors and administrators at this screening will say...you'll be in a room with a few doctors and administrators with your health records...they will also ask you questions.  I personally do not know if your projected duty station in Germany is equipped to handle your son's disability, and the American Disabilities Act requires that disabled students be integrated into the classroom as much as possible...this is not just military-wide but US wide.  There are some students with dedicated para-educators who are with them at EVERY moment of the school day.  They may take some small group or individualized instruction in the special education room/facilities and as their disability allows, be integrated throughout the day in the mainstream classrooms with a para-educator by their side, if needed.

If for some reason, the staff at the EFMP screening determines there will not be sufficient services for your son in this duty location (I have no way of knowing), then your husband's assignment instructions will be rescinded and others will be issued for another location.  I don't know if he'll be given the opportunity for an unaccompanied tour (2 years) either.  This will in no way hurt his career.  That is one of the reasons why the EFMP system was developed.

Please don't worry too much about this, as right now, there is really nothing you can do about this process that all overseas bound families must go through.  You can try to see if there are other wives on the Army Wives Forum and ask if anyone is in EFMP in your projected area.  There are many wives on that forum who are overseas. 

Unfortunately, many of the Army hospitals and posts have closed in Germany. The only REAL hospital is up in Landstuhl...the closest Army base or collection of bases would be in Kaiserslautern, still a very big military community. Ramstein Air Base is also nearby. The rest of the bases and posts, both AF and Army rely on US military health clinics and off-post care on the economy.  German healthcare is very comparable to ours and in many ways more advanced, so no worries there.  Yes, sometimes there are language barriers, but for the most part, many doctors and some staff do speak some English.

Good luck to you!

Ask VMW: When exactly do I get my ID card as a new military spouse?

I thought I would answer this question today:

My husband just enlisted in the air force and we are currently waiting on his job assignment and the date he leaves for BMT. I do have a question and was hoping maybe you would know because my husbands recruiter has never dealt with a married recruit before. But do you know when I will be eliglble to get my dependent id card and be able to get on base? Will it be after BMT, or AIT or during one of those? Thanks so much for any help!!

And my answer:

Congrats to you!  Yes, you have a lot going on, don't you?  Once your hubby ships off to basic, he will go through a multitude of paperwork....life insurance, will, power of attorney, military stuff and a host of other inprocessing items...all in the first few weeks.  He'll enroll you in a computer system called DEERS....send you some paperwork, and then you with the paperwork and your documentation you provide, go to your nearest military base to get your ID card.  Once you are in DEERS, you can access the post/base, shop there, get healthcare, access to dental thru Tricare/Concordia Dental, etc...without it, you can do nothing, which I am sure you have figured out!

You can help by gathering all your important documents such as certified copies of your marriage certificate and birth certificate.






You can also find some pertinent information in this blogpost.

Good luck and welcome to the club!

Ask VMW: What do I bring as a hostess gift?

I've received this question a few times, so I thought I'd better answer it.  At one time or another, you'll be invited to go to the commander's wife's house or somewhere else.  Here's the question:

"What do you bring as a hostess gift to a general's wife's luncheon at her home? The luncheon is intended for component commander's wives. She is VERY old school with the "rules" so I want to ensure I bring something. This is in Germany so European suggestions are welcome."

I have a general rule that some commanders' wives may not like...but when I am the invited guest, I NEVER come empty-handed.  Many times invitations will say "no gifts", but I consider a "small token"  not a gift, so I get away with it I think most of the time.....plus, it's the right thing to do....I know they are trying not to collect junk and don't want you spending money on junk, so that's how I interpret it and do it anyway.

Now, being a former commander's wife....twice....I can tell you, I got a lot of knick knacks and things I could not possibly use.  It always made me feel bad, because I knew that some thought and money must've gone into the gift, so you accept it for what it is....thoughtfulness, genorosity and good manners.

Being in Germany you say and near a chocolate factory I see, how about a nicely wrapped box of premium chocolates from your local factory store?  Amazingly enough, here in Belgium, I am near yet another chocolate factory...I'm not complaining and MANY wives here will go there and buy huge boxes of chocolates in different flavors (cause you can only get one flavor per large non-descript box at this particular place).  They then buy cute little giftboxes and paper with all the trimmings and mix and match the chocolates in these boxes to give away as gifts.  If you don't have a lot of giving to do, then just buy a box or two....package them in smaller lots...and then eat the rest.  No one can ever have too many chocolates!  I saw a lot of this going on over the holidays up in this area.

As a hostess, I also enjoy a bottle of wine....something different, like a Riesling or a "died-and-gone-to-heaven" Eiswein....I recently bought some wonderful South African wines for 3 Euros from our local Lidl here in Belgium.  I know they are priced the same in Germany.  I also like to see these items prettily wrapped and am always amazed at how creative ladies can be.  I say this, because I'm not.  Flowers are always safe, as long as they are not of the funeral or love variety....each country may have different customs, so check that you're bringing appropriate flowers and mixed-priced bouquets work best.  I once got a really pretty small notebook, which I loved and ended up carrying in my purse for my constant notetaking.  I also had a guest make me five handmade notecards with my initials on there....I could tell alot of work went into these things, and I was really touched by that.  Of course the hard part was using them and then giving them away...but that's another story really.

Things to stay away from.....I would say books (cause interests are so different, and you don't want to risk offending anyone)....no knick knacks that gather dust, although I once got a very interesting Christmas ornament at a holiday gathering that the giftgiver handmade.  I still have it, and it is a reminder of our command time in an international environment.  Another time I got a very nicely wrapped basket of walnuts that came out of someone's yard....I think that is okay because it was homemade and genuine....but most food...be careful...someone may be allergic or just not like it...for example, eating pickled herring brings good luck, but I just wouldn't bring it as a gift.  As much as I like scarves and shawls, don't bring those or clothing either....again, too much of a risk of someone not liking what you bring and then what?  Or, they may feel bad, thinking you spent a lot of money, even though you swear up and down that it was nothing.  I have a mink stole I received....yes, it was from someone hailing from a Nordic country....but I feel guilty that I got it, and it was a bit awkward in front of the other ladies as well.

Now that I've given you some ideas, I bet you just came up with another dozen!  If anyone wants to share what they like to bring or what they like receiving, please post below!

Ask VMW: Help, I am not on my husband's military orders...don't I get to come too?

I am catching up with some questions from readers.  Here is one that I've answered often through email, so I thought I would blog about it:

"Help, my husband just got orders to Germany and me and the kids are not on it!  I thought families could automatically go with their soldier to Germany?  We don't want to be left behind!  Please help!"

First....take a deep breath.  Not being on orders can be standard.  The first thing you need to find out is if your Army spouse is serving an accompanied tour (typically three years) or an unaccompanied tour (two years).  An accompanied tour means he is authorized to bring his family with him on the government's dime...meaning, the Army will fly them all over, and they'll get supported over there with special passports authorizing them to stay beyond the traditional tourist 90 days (a SOFA stamped passport) and of course healthcare, schools and all the other support they'd normally get, same as if the servicemember was stationed in the US.

You and your children (the dependents) will get an EFMP screening.  This is a formality where medical professionals will look at your medical records and also interview you to see if you have any special medical needs.  PLEASE do this as soon as your military member finds out his new assignment, because without this screening, he will NOT get his orders!  The military want to make sure there are facilities near the new duty station (whether military or civilian) that can care for your medical problem.  Some things that come to mind are asthma, hearing loss, special physical therapy needs and other medical issues that may require special care.  Just because you or your dependents are enrolled in EFMP does not mean you cannot come along.  Germany is a very modern country with good healthcare facilities, so chances are high this will not be an issue for your family.

The first step for your spouse is to attend the levy briefing on his current post.  This is where he will learn how to ship his household goods, cars and all the other information he will need to move.  I suggest you go with him if you can....two sets of ears are always better than one.  On some posts, it is even a requirement for spouses to go too (as much as they can require...okay, highly encouraged then).  This briefing is given by your outgoing transportation office on your post.  The personnel people on your post will actually be "typing up" your spouse's orders, depending on what his assignment instructions coming down from the Department of the Army say (such as what unit he will be going to or if he will be going to a centralized location like a Replacement Detachment and then further assigned to a gaining unit AFTER arrival in country).  Remember that there may be beaucoup duty positions for a wheeled vehicle mechanice in the rank of Private or Specialist...not so many slots for let's say a Lieutenant Colonel in the Infantry...chances are the private will be sent to the Replacement Detachment in the country you are moving to, while the LTC has a pinpoint assignment of his exact duty station and job...that's just the way it is, the higher up in rank you go.  What goes on the orders also depends on which overseas duty location your spouse will be stationed in.  Some duty stations have longer waiting lists for housing, so orders are automatically noted as "non-concurrent travel" for dependents, meaning the military spouse travels first, then the spouse and children later.  This is done to save the military money and when you think about it, it may be cheaper and less stressful for you too.

When deciding whether to travel with your spouse, take these points into account, and if they don't cause extra financial hardship or stress for you, then go for it!  Otherwise, you may be better off waiting until your military spouse is settled and has housing.

• Many times, there is no hotel or lodging on post/base, and you'll be staying at some civilian establishment.  Typically, your sponsor will guide you into where you should make a reservation or will do it for you.  You'll get travel pay to cover food and lodging, but that does not mean you can stay at the fanciest places and eat out for every meal (don't laugh...I've seen it done).  Know what your cap is ahead of time per day versus what it will cost for hotel and estimated food for you and your family...it'll be rank dependent.  Many overseas hotels have favorable government rates.  Read reviews on Trip Advisor and Booking.com.  See what other hotels are available in the area.  See how far they are from the post.  Walking distance?  Bus/metro routes?  Free breakfast or other freebies, like parking (if you get a rental car), amenities, etc.  The more they throw into the room price, the more travel money is left over for you.
• Do you have children?  Can you get adjoining rooms, ie two rooms?  Are there bathtubs (my kids like baths)?  Many European business hotels only have showerstalls.  Will you PCS during the summer during school break?  If not, do you have a plan to get them registered into school quickly?  Which school (if there is more than one US Department of Defense school)?  Is there busing from the hotel?  Will your child be able to change schools if your eventual home is in another zone (Stuttgart has three different elementary schools, and they are all not the same quality unfortunately...just like anywhere else).  Is it easier for your children to stay where they are now, especially if family is nearby?  Can they handle the change of moving multiple times from hotels to a home when you find it with sometimes temporary housing in between? 
• How will your pets handle being in a hotel for a longer timeframe?  Plan in being in a hotel for one to three months.  Sometimes, you can get temporary housing, which is basically apartment living, until you find a house or onpost housing is available.  You'd have temporary furniture and live there in the interim.  It all depends on what is available at the post when your husband signs in.  You'll get on the housing list as soon as he inprocesses after arrival....no earlier.  Is your dog a barker?  Is he not house broken or does he not do well under stress?  Even though European countries are very pet friendly, there are going to be times you can't take him along.  Will he be okay in his crate?  Is he crate trained?  Will he bark and growl at the cleaning staff?  Make sure you let your sponsor know you have a pet and make sure your lodging accepts pets and is tolerant of possible pet problems.  The Marriott in Sindelfingen, Germany (Stuttgart area) is one of the better places in Stuttgart to go if you have pets.
• Find out if your hotel has a microwave or a refrigerator.  Our last PCS hotel had a refrigerator that was barely cold, so no milk storage.  We also did not have a microwave, so we ate out alot, plus a lot of sandwiches.  Read my post here about being creative on a budget when it comes to mealtime.
• As long as you don't eat out every night, most people can make some money on their travel pay.....meaning, they give out less money than the Army pays them for travel expenses.  The average cost of a good restaurant meal in Germany, per person is anywhere from 15-20 euro, which includes drinks.
• Are you going to spring for a rental car to get you around?  The Army does not pay for a rental car, so ship your car from stateside....early, to get it sooner rather than later.  Rental car = more money going out.  Who will have the car most days?  Your spouse or you?
• Your spouse will most likely have to inprocess and also spend time at work.  You'll spend a lot of time bored (if you let yourself be) and alone.  Are you a self-starter enough that you can keep yourself busy?  Are you brave enough to at least venture out on your own?  If you choose to stay in the hotel, will you go stir crazy after days on end?  What about your children?  Hopefully, your spouse has a good sponsor, whose wife will come get you now and again.  Or, perhaps the Family Readiness Group is established enough to welcome newcomers and give a helping hand. We gave out welcome kits and visited the new spouse as soon as possible.  I think the Air Force even has folks (the sponsor or their version of the Family Readiness Group) who will fill your lodging refrigerator for you!  How about that!

With all that being said, I think it totally depends on your personality and how independent you are, whether you travel with your military spouse or not.  Just be well informed and make the best decision you can make for your particular family.  If you're worried about flying with multiple children and pets, many times, the spouse can take off work to come back to the US to help you fly over.  I've flown over with two babies on my own...but my personality was able to handle that.  You have to know yourself what you are capable of and use the power of positive thinking while you're at it!  What other advice would you add?

Ask VMW: Where are the English Speaking Churches near SHAPE?

I recently received this question:

Are there any off base American/English speaking Christian churches outside SHAPE or Chievres? 

Of course!  You've already found the chapels affiliated with SHAPE and Chievres by googling them I hope:-)  They also have a facebook page, so be sure to link up with them there.

There are other ones in the area that many Shapians attend.  My sons are doing a lock-in at a chateau with our church next week....that is something different!

We've got:

International Baptist Church in Jurbise

Calvary Baptist Church

And there is also an English speaking church in Waterloo, about 30-40 minutes away (depending on where you live) that has proved popular, Christian Center.

Please know that wherever you are stationed, the religious center on your post will maintain a list of local churches.  You can always contact them, and they'll send you the list as well.

Ask VMW: I Want to Go Overseas with My Boyfriend!

I do seem to get this next question a lot....ahhhhh, young love!

"I am currently state side and will be moving to Germany with my boyfriend in August.  As far as the visa goes, my question had more to do with staying in the country for longer than 90 days if I'm planning on marrying someone who is based there?  I understand that the benefits do not exist in any such way when it comes to military, but I'm just trying to make sure things between him and I are more than the right thing before we plan some shot gun wedding."

And here is my response:

I know a few girls who came over with their BF...the ones with a good education, job credentials and good resume, got a job while they were stateside (by far the easiest method but not necessarily easy to achieve as the process is VERY competive whether you go the contractor route or the government path).  You should ideally be able to support yourself over here without your BF's help.

If you follow him on your tourist visa, you will have NO support.  I know of one girlfriend who was in a car accident...minor but expensive...she ended up having to go back to the US after her accident and their relationship did not survive.

Depending on what your boyfriend's rank is, he may or may not be allowed to live off post.  A new rule requires that all Staff Sergeants - (E6s and below) MUST live in single soldier housing on post.  That would mean without you.  If your BF had a higher rank and could live off post, you'd still be stuck.  You would be on your tourist visa and limited to 90 days in country.  You would not be able to go on post unless he signed you in every time (and out) or your BF could take you and a copy of your flight itinerary to get you a temporary pass issued, which would cover you and allow you to go on post with or without him escorting you.  Your pass will expire the day after your flight itinerary shows you are to return back to the US.

Even though you can travel freely on and off post with a pass, you will not be able to shop at any of the onpost establishments without a military or military dependent ID card...so no grocery shopping or otherwise (unless you shop offpost with Euros).

You will also be unable to get a job off post on the German economy with a tourist visa, unless you happen to work "under the table" somewhere and not too many businesses would be willing to go out on a limb for you like that.  In the end, you could end up being a burden rather than a welcome sight!  Trust me on this one!

My suggestion, and take it for what it's worth to you, is to set up regular visits.  If your boyfriend is on an unaccompanied tour (without dependents or family), then it will only be two years...visit him twice a year, and do regular internet chats, webcams, letters and whatever you need to do...this will also be a good test for you to see if your love can last....most of us veteran wives have found out that being apart actually makes your relationship stronger!  Also, if your BF comes overseas...what will you do when he gets deployed for six months to a year or whatever, depending on his job.  I'd say two years apart with some visits mixed in is a great opportunity and test for your relationship...if you can soldier thru that, your relationship can last thru ANY deployment and in today's military, there will be many...not just one or two.  AND your relationship has a better chance of survival!

Again, just my opinion...but I know what I'm talking about...I have counseled dozen of young wives and a few girlfriends...just something to think about it.

Ask VMW: I Just Got Married and am Having Troubles w/Finance & Command Sponsorship

I frequently...actually, many times a day....get emails from people who need help. Many, I can just steer to one of my past blog posts or another. A few can be answered in one sentence or by a link to another site. But, some are a little more involved. Let's see if we can help this reader.

Long story short. My sister met her husband while visiting me overseas. She has finished DEERS and is waiting on command sponsorship. Her husband has been serving a single tour for about one year. We know that others in this position have had problems. So far housing won't talk to them till they have command sponsorship but do you know if they will approve a move for them? I had a friend married her husband after he was here three months and housing never would move them because he was already serving here. Also Finance says they cant get BAH or separation pay without command sponsorship. My sister has been hearing so much.

Let me say that getting married while your spouse is overseas is not an easy task. I actually married my husband while we were both overseas and after the rigamarole of going through the German system, we just dropped it, flew back to the States and got married there. But since I was already in the military myself, it was almost a seamless entry of merging into one household as far as the Army is concerned, except the issues I had with my last name.

Congrats to your sis on her marriage. Since her husband is already on the back end of his overseas tour, the Army will not authorize a move for his new spouse to join him, so I doubt she'll get command sponsorship right now. His only option would be to apply for a COT (a consecutive overseas tour), which goes up through his chain of command and outside of his unit in order to extend his time overseas to an accompanied tour length (36 months). If his enlistment is up before then, he'll have to re-enlist to extend past the time of the COT. I can tell you right now, very few COTs are getting approved, at least where we are here in Germany. But it is worth a try. It is up to his command...at the highest levels...whether to approve this or not. It goes way beyond his company commander.

You can read more about the paperwork your husband has to submit, in order to request approval of getting you to his location in Germany.

The info you got is correct on family separation pay. You have to be command sponsored for that and the military member will not get separation pay hitting his paycheck, until the 31st day of separation.

As far as the the Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH), if a member is serving an UNACCOMPANIED overseas tour, the member is eligible for BAH at the "with dependents" rate, based on the dependent's (that's you) US residence zipcode, plus Overseas Housing Allowance (OHA) at the "without dependents" rate, if the member is not furnished government housing overseas...in other words, if he is living off post. Many enlisted soldiers under a certain rank, usually Sergeant First Class, MUST live in the barracks so that the command can better maintain good order and discipline.

Bottom line, her husband needs to go thru his chain of command...his company First Sergeant and then his Company Commander to make sure the paperwork gets done. Finance is unfortunately notorious...or should I say, has a reputation...for screwing up and taking awhile to get things right, so she has to hang in there.

But I'd like to make one more point...many times, because wives cannot get command sponsorship, either because the geographical area does not allow it, such as close to the demilitarized zone in Korea, certain assignments in world hotspots or maybe because the command did not authorize it for one reason or another, please read about going to join your spouse as a non-command sponsored dependent. Even though this article talks mostly about Korea, the information is valid for other locations as well. Know what the great risks are and be willing to take them should you go this route.

Do you have any advice for this young lady?

Ask VMW: My Husband Wants a Divorce!

I got a very sad email the other day:

I am sitting here numb writing this. I don't even know how to process this next bit of news. My husband, who just came home from a deployment, told me he does not want to be married anymore. I don't think it's another woman or anything I can put my finger on, but he seems absolutely dead set on this. I tried to ignore what he was saying, but now I see papers from a lawyer, so I guess he is serious. I don't even know where to begin? What do I do?

To be honest, I am numb reading your email. I am at this point, while I am writing this, trying to send cyberhugs through the airwaves. I don't want to profess knowing it all or even understanding what you are going through, but here is what I advise for you to do, not necessarily in the order listed below.

• Get yourself a lawyer ASAP. You can even go to your local Army JAG office. You just won't get the same lawyer your husband got.
• Know what your rights are as a military spouse. Don't let him sucker you into anything or sign anything, until you get it checked out. Many spouses don't realize until much later, what they should've done instead of what they actually did. You very well could be entitled to at least half of his retirement pay and certainly child support if you have children together.
  
• Surround yourself with positive people and people who genuinely care for you. You'll know who those people are the minute this gets out, and it well. Take them up on their offers of help and support, even if you feel you don't need it....you deserve it and your children too.
• Keep your chin up this entire process and continue to look straight ahead. Because you are who you are and so is your husband. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and if anyone has a problem with it, then you didn't need them in the first place.
  
• Make sure this is what BOTH of you want. If you can, try to get counseling first. We all have our ups and downs, and you want to make absolutely sure this is not just a down period and the relationship is truly on its way out.
• Read this wonderful blog. This strong Army wife went through the process herself, and she is now thriving, and her kids are thriving. She does such an excellent job of laying it all out there and nothing is off-limits. Get strength from her experience and many others like hers. There are MANY support groups out there. Find a support group and connect with others who are going through this as well.
  
• Stop by these other sites to get informed and to gather as much information as you can.

Military Divorce and Pensions

How is Military Retirement Pay Divided During Divorce

Military and Divorce

Frequently Asked Questions

If anyone knows of any other resources that can help here, please post them below. And Angie (name changed to protect anonymity), please know that we are thinking of you today and please know that you will emerge stronger from this life event, and we want to wish you positive thoughts and the strength and will to carry on as you go through this ordeal.

Ask VMW: The Plight of a Military Girlfriend

I recently received the question below:

I am not a military wife but rather a military girlfriend. My boyfriend has just been accepted into the army officer program and leaves for training in less than a week. We are not engaged, but do live together and I plan on going with him to where he is assigned on base in Germany. I guess I am wondering how possible this move will be without us being married. Marriage is not out of the question for us but we don't want to rush it or do it for the wrong reasons. Do military girlfriends have rights and benefits just as spouses do? Is marriage necessary in moving to another country? Do you have any advice for me or any ideas of other resources that I could look at in making these adjustments?

My lengthy answer to her was:

I would definitely relook at your plans! Girlfriends and fiancees have zero rights as far as the Army is concerned...you are a non-person I am afraid. Your boyfriend can put you on his life insurance and possibly as a point of contact should something happen to him, but that is about it. Without an ID card, you won't be able to do anything on post or base...even more so overseas. In fact, your boyfriend would be non-command sponsored at his German duty station. That means he will not be paid extra for having a spouse and you won't be allowed to use any of the facilities on post, to include the PX and the commissary and everything else. Only ID card holders can shop and use the services on post. You won't be able to go on post except when escorted by him.

Now, people over here do have relatives and friends visit from the States, and the limit I think right now in being able to stay in Germany is three months on a US passport, according to German law. So you could come visit him, but just wouldn't be able to stay indefinitely unless you get some kind of work visa from the German government, and I think in order to get that, a company has to hire you first from overseas. There are plenty of contractors and government positions over here...you just have to have some kind of skills to get hired from overseas. Many companies actually hire the family members of soldiers to help keep hiring costs down for new employees. That would be one avenue I would check out if I really, really wanted to move over but would allow you some privileges and benefits without totally relying on your boyfriend.

The one bright light, because your boyfriend is an officer, he would be allowed to live off post. He will not be authorized family housing on post, being single, and luckily, he won't have to live in the barracks. Most commanders will let all E-6s or E-7s and above find a place off post, thru the housing office, which they will get a certain amount of rent money for in addition to their base pay (this is rank dependent).

Sorry this advice wasn't rosier, but I think it's better to know what to expect than to run around with rose colored glasses on. I certainly commend you for supporting your boyfriend and wanting to be with him. In our last Family Readiness Group in the States, we did have some girlfriends get very involved and help with our events and programs and were a part of our little group. But for the most part, it was hard to overcome "just being a girlfriend", and as of this date, the military does not consider a girlfriend a part of the family.

Let me recommend two message boards for you to visit. There are a lot of girlfriends and fiancees who visit here who may be able to offer their own insight from experience.

Married to the Army

Army Wives (and Girlfriends and Fiancees too)

Are you an Army girlfriend? Would you like to share your experiences here? Please do share...both good and bad...

Ask VMW: My Husband Has Shut Me Out!

I received this heart-wrenching email the other day. I post it not to be voyeuristic, but as informational, in that this could very well happen to any spouse you know. If you don't know the resources to help yourself, you could potentially flounder in helplessness and self-doubt. Here's how to get help.


Here's the post:

It seems my son quickly married, and then was deployed to Afghanistan. He got the pay increase and then returned to his duty station in Europe. He has been telling his new wife that he would send for her where she could join him there. In the meanwhile though, she has access to his bank account which he always completely empties. He has not given her any money. Initially when he first returned he gave her some money, but now not any. Then he kept telling her just two more weeks. He told her to sell her car and quit her job because she was coming. She did this and now she is left jobless and carless, and he won't give her any money. She is living with relatives at the moment. This has been going on since July? She is 19 years old. What can she do?

It seems that there are certainly a lot of things going on here....much of it not good. Their marriage definitely needs some help that I am totally not qualified to give, BUT she does have some pressing issues that need to be addressed...and immediately. As the legal wife of a servicemember, she does have some rights and privileges. I would start looking for help at the lowest level, her husband's commander and then work her way up if she does not get any resolution or movement in the right direction.

• Contact her husband's company commander (the Captain usually) first by phone and also in writing. Explain exactly what is going on and see what he says. Then, if you get no response or attention, try his battalion commander(typically a Lieutenant Colonel). Give the commander a chance to fix what is wrong. Many don't know much about their soldier's private lives at all. If you strike out again....

• File an Inspector General (IG) complaint. This gets more people involved, beyond the unit.

• Notify your Congressman and do what's called a Congressional Inquiry. This thing is high powered and obviously if a Congressman gets involved, you can bet some heads are going to roll! When I was a commander, you had to respond to a Congressional within a certain timeframe...think it was something like 48 hours...and you'd better have a good answer why things are the way they are. I've seen many things resolved very quickly this way. I've also seen totally frivolous things as well that had nothing to do with the soldier. Use your best judgment here obviously. Even though you may be adverse to the contents of this site I'm going to send you to, it does have some good information on how to contact your congressman to file a complaint.

There are also a variety of places on the internet to read about your entitlements and benefits as a spouse. A good place that has all the links and sites in one spot is Military Spouse.org.

Does anyone else have any advice for this young lady besides to stay positive and that this too shall pass?

Ask VMW: How Does My Mom Get Her Part of the Retirement Check Sent to Her?

Today we have a reader question that I haven't addressed yet:

My mother and father are in the middle of a divorce. My father was in the army and receives a pension check. My mom was giving her portion of the check to my dad when they were together to help out with bills. Now that they are apart, she has not been getting it. We are in the state of Pennsylvania . Who does she contact to get her portion of the pension check sent to her?

Any retirement pay issues are handled through the Defense Finance and Accounting Service. These are the same guys who cut all our military paychecks in the system. Call the toll-free number below and explain your situation.

Annuity/Annuity New Accounts	Casualty/Retired/New Retired Accounts
Correspondence/Mailing Address: Defense Finance and Accounting Service US Military Annuitant Pay P.O. Box 7131 London, KY 40742-7131 Toll Free: 1-800-321-1080 Commercial: (216) 522-5955 FAX: 1-800-982-8459	Correspondence/Mailing Address: Defense Finance and Accounting Service US Military Retirement Pay P.O. Box 7130 London, KY 40742-7130 Toll Free : 1-800-321-1080 Commercial: (216) 522-5955 FAX: 1-800-469-6559

If your spouse is thinking of retiring and would like to know how to get going down that road and how much his retirement pay will be, read the military's Preparing for Retirement.

One nifty little feature is Ask Military Pay with questions from you and answers from them on every kind of military pay related question you can think of...and then when you can't find it, you can ask the question yourself. I found it very informative and easy to navigate.

Ask VMW: I Want to Have a Big Welcome Home Party for My Hubby!

I frequently get email from folks asking for help or advice. I guess that's just the nature of having a blog. But really, I don't mind, and I enjoy reading the emails. I typically just answer back in an email, but I thought now I would try to make it a regular post here on this blog. I figure, if one person had that question and wrote, maybe another person had it too, but doesn't want or feel like putting it into words. So here goes! I had a reader tell me her husband is in Iraq, going on five months now. He has a few months more to go. She has it in her mind that she wants to have a huge welcome home party, the day after he gets home. My opinion and thoughts on this? Be sure to add your own thoughts below too.

Let me start out by saying my husband has been deployed so many times...I have run out of fingers! He will go over 20 years of service next year, and we've been on this military train, at least together, over 15 years. I myself have been through LOTS of trial and error during (and after) those deployments. I've learned what works, what doesn't work, what is appreciated and what is downright counter-productive.

Most guys, on their way home, a thousand things are running through their minds. How will I react and feel when I see my wife and kids? They fear it won't be exactly the same everything was when they left home (it won't be). They worry about intimacy and getting back into the groove of everyday "normal" life. They tend to be a bit jumpy and nervous, because "over there", they constantly had to be on guard and aware of their surroundings. I'm reminded of a friend's husband who spent many weeks hitting the ground and taking cover every time he heard a car backfire. The guy even grabbed his wife around the throat when she tapped him on the shoulder one time when he didn't expect it.

When your husband comes home...he will be T-I-R-E-D. The first thing he will want to do is sleep, then more sleep. He will want some peace and quiet. He will want to spend time getting re-acquainted with his family. He will have to get integrated back into his life, literally. Some units even have forced re-integration training. The soldiers actually spend a few days getting counseled and assimilated between the time they leave the warzone and the time they get home to be with their families. It is that serious and necessary. I had another friend's husband, who literally drove like a bat out of hell, to the point of driving dangerously, and she refused to get in the vehicle with him after he got back. Why did he do this when he was such a careful driver before? Because "over there", they are taught to drive offensively, to get through areas quickly and to try to fly over IEDs (roadside bombs) and the like. Do you really think your husband can just turn off these survival instinct when he comes home?

With all this being said, is it a good idea to have a big welcome home party the day after he gets back? I think you already know my answer. And in case you don't..the answer is NO. He also doesn't want to travel and go to Disney World or Busch Gardens or wherever..he just wants to get in his warm and comfortable bed, get familiar again with his home and get to know his family again in that setting. He's been traveling for days and is in no mood to travel some more.

My tips for a homecoming and re-integration into family life:

• If you must have a big welcome home party, save it for the next week. Don't plan to have firecrackers or loud noises either. Be careful with the alcohol flow as well if you are going to have any at all. Remember, you are doing this for him...not for you.

• My husband's best welcome home was a front yard littered with American flags and a large sign welcoming him home, a quiet house with the opportunity for a LONG nap or series of naps and then a nice home-cooked meal. I actually found a yard sign company, like this one, to put out the flags. They appeared the morning of his arrival, and the nice lady kept out the decorations for a few extra days at no charge when she found out he was coming home from Iraq.
  

• We stayed put. I did not tell him we were going to Disney World, going on a long car ride or anything else I didn't sign him up for.

• Let you husband take the lead, if he so chooses. Don't pester him with questions. Feed him data on you and the kids and family in small bites. Don't overwhelm him with information. Hopefully, if you've been in email or phone contact, he is already up to speed with what little Johnny has been up to.

• Keep the noise levels down. Don't have the kids make loud noises, ie firecrackers and such and don't sneak up on him.

• Realize, that at first, intimacy may not be up to what you expected. Let's face it, the guy is just dead tired, so will act accordingly. Things also won't magically start up again where you left off..usually. That's what I love about deployments. It's sort of like a honeymoon again and you kind of have to work your way back from being apart so long.

• Realize that your husband may have issues with you being in charge. You just spent x number of months, running the household and finances completely by yourself. He may not get that...or want to accept your independence. You need to sit down and talk with him and say what duties you'd like to keep (such as paying the bills) and what you would like him to take over. Try to do this gradually and don't throw a list at him. I typically run our finances all the time..it's just easier for us with his constant coming and going.
  

• Along those same lines, don't whip out a honey-do list, right when he comes home. Let him at least enjoy his first few weeks! Talk about this stuff gradually too. Mention that the back deck needs restaining, but don't mention yet another thing that needs work in the same breath. Besides, being as independent as you were, you should've been able to accomplish many of these things yourselves. It's important to foster a good relationship with your neighbors, fellow church members and friends, so they can help you out, or at least teach you about some of these basic household maintenance tasks. I always have good neighbors who come when I need something, but I also try to get them to show me how to do a task, so I can do it next time on my own. Many folks take pride in teaching others....give them that opportunity.

I guess I've written more than a mouthful. Obviously, there's more to be thought about at homecoming than just parties and celebrating. These are just some things you might want to keep in mind! Do you have any tips to add of your own?