I got a very sad email the other day:
I am sitting here numb writing this. I don't even know how to process this next bit of news. My husband, who just came home from a deployment, told me he does not want to be married anymore. I don't think it's another woman or anything I can put my finger on, but he seems absolutely dead set on this. I tried to ignore what he was saying, but now I see papers from a lawyer, so I guess he is serious. I don't even know where to begin? What do I do?
To be honest, I am numb reading your email. I am at this point, while I am writing this, trying to send cyberhugs through the airwaves. I don't want to profess knowing it all or even understanding what you are going through, but here is what I advise for you to do, not necessarily in the order listed below.
How is Military Retirement Pay Divided During Divorce
Military and Divorce
Frequently Asked Questions
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Ask VMW: My Husband Wants a Divorce!
Military Divorce and Pensions
If anyone knows of any other resources that can help here, please post them below. And Angie (name changed to protect anonymity), please know that we are thinking of you today and please know that you will emerge stronger from this life event, and we want to wish you positive thoughts and the strength and will to carry on as you go through this ordeal.
Posted by ****Veteran Military Wife at Life Lessons of a Military Wife**** at 7:00 AM
Labels: Ask Veteran Military Wife, Health, Military
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5 Comments:
I can not believe no one posted any comments for this sad lady!
Please KNOW that this is not your fault, and if you think that the marriage can be saved, INSTIST that he attend counselling with you. If he won't, please go on your own. Hugs and prayers. Carol
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It's nothing you have done wrong. Believe me. I hope you can take my life lesson with you in all of this.
People get married to the right person for the right reasons at the right time. But everyone changes and grows as a person. These changes we go through over time often happens with our significant other and we are able to grow together and stay together over the years. For a good many of us this is why divorce happens. We end up taking different paths in life and get to the point we are no longer the same people we used to be, no longer have the same aspirations in life, and end up being too incompatible to stay together. Some fight and work to get their paths back in line with each other. Maybe time together will do so for you and some therapy will help guide your paths back together. But if not you have a lot of support both with the friends and family you had now, and those in the military who have experienced the same thing you have.
His deployment and service had to be a life lesson/experience. Nobody that serves their term oversees ever comes back the same. For some it's for the better, for most those experiences are very tough. But either way it changes you. Unfortunately it's just the way it has to be.
He's a different Man now than when he left. You probably see him differently. And if not that might be the hardest part is you not seeing all the changes he is holding back and not showing or expressing to you.
It's good that he is being honest about how he feels but sucks that you are losing him all over again.
About all I can say is anyone that has read this is give you big enormous hugs over the internets. You might not feel them or know that they are there, but believe me they are.
We all feel your pain, either having been through this, or try to think what you could be going through.
About the only thing I can suggest is tell him you understand and respect his request and ask in return that he respect a request from you and that is to try councelling for 3 months or 6 months first and if not then you will go ahead with the divorce. After all you don't want to be the one holding him back from a different life, or he you from a something different. Better, or worse, just remember it's only change. You might find there is a reason he wants to leave and it's to help you. So you don't have to experience his pain with him, and to learn all that he has been through and had to do while he was away.
I agree with the above post, espec. the last paragraph. Be firm in getting you both through 6 months or so of counseling, and seeing if he can grow in understanding, just as you will need to. You probably won't be able to change him for the good or for the bad, but you need to let him come to realize himself how this might hurt the both of you. God Bless.
Hi all,
What if the husband refuses counseling? He says he needs it for himself but won't go. Attended a few sessions with me pre-marital (2x) and about 2 months ago (2 or 3x). Now refuses. I go alone now.
I suggested counseling from a regular church since he says he's also a Christian - nope. Confide in your parents - nope. He has no close friends per se, so no avenue there. He refuses every possible suggestion yet gets irate when I seek help and prayer from church and counselor and family.
I get no money [he promised a regular allowance before marriage] but nothing until now. Gave me total of maybe $200 to settle some bills in last 4 months. He buys what he decided is necessary from the grocery lists. Haven't done laundry in ages then he went and did a load for me [bought broken washer which remains unrepaired]. I can launder by hand but sometimes peels skin off my fingers and it pains for days.
He implies because I'm non-American, I don't know the way things work here. Says because I'm not military, I know nothing of army rules etc. Is that bondage or what?
Anyway, please forgive me. Sincerely, this is not a complaint but I wanted you experienced folk to get the picture just so that your advice will helpful to me. My heart goes out to the sad lady in question and may God lift her up to a place and situation better than she could ever ask or imagine. May God heal her husband too.
Thank you all. Please pray for me to because I have seen more pain in "4 months of marriage" than in 36 years of life.
Wow, I am really sorry about your situation. It should not be this way!
Have you tried militaryonesource.com? I've known ladies who were able to get help and advice thru their resources. That's what I would try next. Your husband also has certain obligations being a husband.
I will certainly pray for you too.
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