Ask VMW: My Husband Has Shut Me Out!

I received this heart-wrenching email the other day. I post it not to be voyeuristic, but as informational, in that this could very well happen to any spouse you know. If you don't know the resources to help yourself, you could potentially flounder in helplessness and self-doubt. Here's how to get help.


Here's the post:

It seems my son quickly married, and then was deployed to Afghanistan. He got the pay increase and then returned to his duty station in Europe. He has been telling his new wife that he would send for her where she could join him there. In the meanwhile though, she has access to his bank account which he always completely empties. He has not given her any money. Initially when he first returned he gave her some money, but now not any. Then he kept telling her just two more weeks. He told her to sell her car and quit her job because she was coming. She did this and now she is left jobless and carless, and he won't give her any money. She is living with relatives at the moment. This has been going on since July? She is 19 years old. What can she do?

It seems that there are certainly a lot of things going on here....much of it not good. Their marriage definitely needs some help that I am totally not qualified to give, BUT she does have some pressing issues that need to be addressed...and immediately. As the legal wife of a servicemember, she does have some rights and privileges. I would start looking for help at the lowest level, her husband's commander and then work her way up if she does not get any resolution or movement in the right direction.

• Contact her husband's company commander (the Captain usually) first by phone and also in writing. Explain exactly what is going on and see what he says. Then, if you get no response or attention, try his battalion commander(typically a Lieutenant Colonel). Give the commander a chance to fix what is wrong. Many don't know much about their soldier's private lives at all. If you strike out again....

• File an Inspector General (IG) complaint. This gets more people involved, beyond the unit.

• Notify your Congressman and do what's called a Congressional Inquiry. This thing is high powered and obviously if a Congressman gets involved, you can bet some heads are going to roll! When I was a commander, you had to respond to a Congressional within a certain timeframe...think it was something like 48 hours...and you'd better have a good answer why things are the way they are. I've seen many things resolved very quickly this way. I've also seen totally frivolous things as well that had nothing to do with the soldier. Use your best judgment here obviously. Even though you may be adverse to the contents of this site I'm going to send you to, it does have some good information on how to contact your congressman to file a complaint.

There are also a variety of places on the internet to read about your entitlements and benefits as a spouse. A good place that has all the links and sites in one spot is Military Spouse.org.

Does anyone else have any advice for this young lady besides to stay positive and that this too shall pass?